Deny

May 17, 2006 at 11:37 am (Uncategorized)

Never in my life had I felt so miserable. Here I’m tell my friend that she should let the guy know that she likes him. Yet I’m not practicing what I “preach”. What in the world is happening to me? Burying myself in tonnes of work when my heart is somewhere else. My brain is obviously failing me. With mixed feelings each time I see him. Sadness hovering above me. Darkness ahead.

Deny of every feelings I had for him. Deny my chance of happiness. Deny.

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Strange, yet it is happening…. Inside of me

March 21, 2006 at 2:49 pm (Uncategorized)

Ever since May 2005, I got to know this guy in church. 1st impression of him wasn’t really a pleasant one though. Well, at least for me, whenever he speaks me, he would sort of get to close, neglecting the comfort zone between us. And of course, I’ll feel uncomfortable talking to him and tried to avoid him in one way or another.

However, it’s through him, I got to know a few more persons better. I would not have spoken to those people if not for him. I would say, he’s a really good and nice guy. If not for him, there wouldn’t be a Tioman trip which we most wanted. There wouldn’t he the
Hong Kong escape when I really got to know him & 2 more others much better. And that’s when I realized I’ve already developed feelings for him….

Things started way back in July 05, where the Tioman trip materialized. He did all the planning himself and got all the nitty gritty things settled and all sorted out. I was really very impressed with him. Very. I found out that he’s a very caring person and would always make good use of his leadership and take good care of everybody. I enjoyed his company and every conversation with him.

In September, I invited him to have dinner with me on my birthday. I didn’t know what to tell him when he asked me why I ask him out only. What about the others? My lame reason…. Cos I enjoy chatting with you. Well, at least he took it as it is and went dinner with me. Thought I’ll be able to spend more time with him, he got to go for house viewing. I really felt sad at that time. But I had to ‘appear’ to be happy. Anyway, that’s our 1st individual dinner together.

October came.
Hong Kong… here we come. There, though I felt very happy that it was my 1st trip on the plane and to another country on this round globe, I never fail to feel sourish and restless. I really appreciated the efforts he put in for this trip. He made it a very enjoyable and unforgettable trip for those who went. And in the process, I got to know a couple of locals there. His colleagues. They are really some very nice people over there.

After we got back from HK, I can sense the sadness from him. There comes, my little thunder. He told me the girl he likes is none other than his colleague. And we went on and on chatting on msn, talking about her and everything under the sun.

Thunderstorm came when he told me that the real person he’s in love with is none other than J. That explains why he’s ever so nice to her in whatever way one can think of. I thought I know what I should do. Help him to woo her. But slashing myself with a knife. Painful. He got rejected in the end.

Should I be happy? Or should I be sad? Am I really so protective of him as my friends said? Do I really feel that I still have a chance with him? Why are people asking me if we’re together or is there a possibility that we can or will get together? Why don’t these people ask him instead? I know myself and I would if the opportunity knocks at me door. Anytime.

Two times he asked me: “Why are you so good to me?? Two times I told him, cos you’re my friend. Even if it’s not you, I would still do the same thing. However, deep inside of me, it’s a different story altogether.

Ever since she’s gone overseas to work, we’ve been seeing each other quite often. Either as a group outing or just the both of us. In fact, just last week, we have met each other for 4 consecutive days. Nearly made it 5 consecutive days if we went karaoke yesterday. But, we’re meeting today again. We were on the phone more frequent than usual. Chatting on the msn nearly every night. Sometimes, he’ll just call to chat up. And little did he know, it’ll make my day most of the time.

Realized that he likes to laugh at me and pick at me each time we go out together. I’ll also do the same to him. Asked him why he like so much to laugh at me? His reply was, I don’t know. I just like to laugh at you. Cos laughing at you will make me feel happy. What does it really mean? I’m considered a good friend of his. Anything else? A clown? A “make-me-feel-happy? gadget? Frankly speaking, I do not know.

What I do know is I really cherish him as a very good friend. He has this characteristic in him which makes him special to me. What are the possibilities that both of us would get together? I would say, it’s nil even though I hope that this day would come. I’m not the type of girl he likes and never will I be.

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Love.

February 7, 2006 at 2:59 pm (Uncategorized)

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Bible~
~I Corinthians 13:4-8

《世界上最远的?离并?是天与地的?离。而是我站在你??你都?知?我爱。》

 You know it’s love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you’re not part of their happiness.?

There’s not such thing as perfect love in this world. Everyday, we are surrounded by much unhappiness. As such, we either turn to our friends or relatives to release our unhappiness. But is this suppose to be the case? Though happiness is contagious, anger is a vicious cycle. It just takes one person to pass on the ‘bug’ to everybody.

Within each & everyone of us, we will have a picture of our perfect love. We also know that it is one love will never appear. However, we still live in our own perfect world of love. Neglecting the fact that we need to face reality. Reality, is cold. Reality, is unfriendly. Reality, is………. GET ALIFE!!!

 

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Wait.

January 9, 2006 at 4:17 pm (Uncategorized)

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.?

Just think about it. How much time do we spend each day waiting? Waiting for the washroom in the morning to wash up & get ready to go to work, waiting for the lift to get to ground level, waiting for the mrt to go to work, waiting at the escalator with millions of other people who are also rushing for work, waiting at the lift once again to get to the office.

Finally, after much hoo-haa… you’ve reached your workstation. Sit down, make yourself comfortable, switch on the pc. The most fav word again… “WAIT” for the pc to boot up. WAIT…. when you are at the copier machine as the machine needs to warm up after a long slumber.

Lunch time, waiting for the lift to go back ground floor to go for lunch. Wait to get a seat during the rush hours. Wait in queue to get your food. Wait for lift again to get back to office. Waiting once again for the printer, copier machine & some times, the washroom.

 After work, Wait while you shut down the pc, wait for the lift to go ground floor, wait to use the down-going escalator, wait to tap card at the mrt gantry, wait for mrt to come, wait for passengers to alight before boarding, wait for mrt to reach your station, wait to go down from the escalator, wait to tap card & walk you way home from the mrt. Wait for the lift, then Home Sweet Home.

How much of human life is lost in waiting.?

Why? How much time is really wasted while waiting? That is why I don’t like to wait. Especially so if I have to wait for confirmation from friends who wanna go out but is unsure. All those last minute arrangements & leaving me hanging there, unable to plan my time whereas they are able to. Cos they did not commit on whether they are able to make it or not. Everything was left open-ended. All I can do is to wait. After having to waste so much time each day just to get the basic things done, I’m not prepared to accept these sort of unnecessary waiting time. This is just pure waste of life. This is partly the reason why I was being left out for some outings. Cos I don’t like last minute arrangements where everything is so uncertain.

Even so, during arranged outings, we’ll still have to wait for late comers. The best thing is, in a group outings, we have so many people to wait for. This person will be late 10 mins. OK. We wait. Then 10mins later he came. And yet another 1 says, “sorry sorry… I’ll be here in another 15mins”. OK. We all wait again. Half an hour later, this one person came strolling in.

I try to talk to you, but I don’t know what to say. I am afraid you don’t want me to say anything. So I don’t. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forver stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too… but I’ll never know.?

爱一个人真得那么难??为什么?说的?永远都更在喉咙怎么说都说?出?呢?看?他伤心难过时,我能?的事也?能这么多了。希望他开心,我也尽?让他开心起?。能说的安慰的?,鼓励的?,我也说尽了。当我想告诉她我有多么的喜欢她,怎么也说?出?。因为,?当我看?他那伤心难过的眼神时,我的心就软了。也乱了。?知所措。心里想说的,都没说出?。??想知?他的想法。于是,我?有等待?。等待?如果有那么一天,我会勇敢大声地说出:“我爱你?.  

 

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3am in the morning…

December 16, 2005 at 6:57 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s 3am in the morning & i don’t feel sleepy at all though I am dead tired. Thats the irony of life…

Missing someone…..

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